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What do you want? 
What do I want?
What do we all want?

Yesterday, I met with a person very dear to me. To be even more precise, I met with a man who I really love. Now what puzzles me is, can an 18 year old individual feel so strongly for someone? Let me assure you, this is not one of those LOVES that happened in 15 minutes. The man and I spent two lovely years together and our emotions built up inside of us gradually.

Unfortunately, at the peak of our love, we had to say goodbye to each other. I am not going to explain this. It would take me a 800 page novel to do so. My question is, why did we meet? Why do people constantly go back to something that they are trying to overcome or beat down? For the death of me, I am unable to understand this because I am emotionally poor. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I am unable to feel. I am simply refusing to let my emotions meddle with my decisions. But is that good? And by the way, Virgo is my zodiac sign. Virgos constantly try to be unemotional, almost mechanical. The problem is: in truth, we are actually highly emotional and tend to be very irrational. At least, I'm that kind of a Virgo. I don't know for the rest of you. Apparently, there are different kinds.

Let me set aside the zodiac for a moment. You cannot determine people with it. Things would be a lot easier if this was true, right? Sometimes I wish I could read people's minds and know what is going on instantly. I guess life would be boring for me if I had this ability.

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As I let my feelings burn a hole inside of me this morning, I came to a conclusion that emotions are our biggest problem because they pull us back from our life path more often than we think. That is why we are trying to create all this stuff, this mechanical junk that pollutes our lives and minds. That's the beauty of it: the thing is mechanical, it doesn't feel! Does your flat screen have emotions? No. Does your laptop have emotions? No. I am pretty sure it doesn't, otherwise it would scream of agony every time you log into Facebook or some other dumb social networking website.

 So what's my point? You cannot kill your emotions, or can you? Gobble down a handful of Valium and a bottle of vodka and you won't be able to feel anything. Your body will be so numb and your brain will yell: "the subscriber is not temporarily available!" But I guess poisoning yourself is not the solution. The solution would be to deal with it, to find a road that suits your rational side and your emotional parts. I don't mean: "get married, have a enormous bunch of kids and you've solved all your problems forever" kind of thing. Marriage and birth is also not a solution. It's something that will settle you temporarily. A family pulls an enormous amount of responsibility onto your shoulders. Are you ready to deal with it?

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Now, since I am losing my grip on this post, you are probably asking yourself: "What does this have to do with the title of the post?" Well, I'm getting there. Keep your pants on for a moment. As I was saying, I thought about many things this morning and I decided I would turn myself "off" for a while. What do I mean? I mean that I will try to shut my emotions down, to rest from them because I am sick and tired of feeling a thousand different things every morning when I wake up. I want to focus on my education, my career, my blogs, my writing especially. I haven't written a story in two years, or even more! All I have been writing for the past two years is poetry, in two languages - English, and my native language because I felt kind of bad writing in English, and not writing in Serbian. I'm a traitor of my own culture. I want to focus on my health too. 

Did you ever listen to the song "Gallons of Rubbing Alcohol Flowing Through the Strip" by Nirvana? Well, there were gallons of rubbing alcohol flowing through MY BODY for ages. I am not an alcoholic, mind you. I always drink when I go out and in company. You just have to understand one thing before I continue: I live in a country where it is completely normal to drink like a maniac. Bosnia is similar to Russia when it comes to the matter of alcohol. Anyway, my health is down to 20% and I have no money to go from doctors to other doctors. Apparently, I am in the process of getting an ulcer. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands and I invented a great diet for myself, and also decided to become a vegetarian. 


Then, this morning I realized: I am babbling with myself for 30 minutes already and I smoked 10 cigarettes in this process. I realized that I am emotionally anemic, or better said: I am a fantastic adult when it comes to responsibilities, education, work, chores and the mechanical and unemotional parts of life. But when it comes to emotions, I know how to feel them and how to live through them but I AM UNABLE, for the death of me again, to REALIZE how to live WITH them and work with them in synchronization with my body. 
This is my emotional failure, and I won't deny it. 
I get afraid of myself often. 
What to do?
Keep writing. 

-Piper Blurred




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