God; please.
I will not ask for anything this time.
You took something away from me, and now I accept that. I know you wish me nothing but good. I don't intend to blame you for any evil part of my life. However, being good is difficult. Accepting a long forgotten truth is difficult. Talking to you is difficult. I should not have asked you to make a deal with me.

Life is a cage, and we are the animals trapped inside. We scratch at the iron bars but nobody is there to set us free. We built our own graves, but we are not prepared to rest in them. I know everything. You do not have to tell me a new story because I have read them all. But why did you take this away from me? It's the only thing I wanted to keep. I told you many times before that I do not care about everything else. I just wanted your permission to keep this one thing. Now, you took everything away.
Yesterday you tried to bribe me with a small gift. Yes, God. It made me happy for a few moments, but it could not erase my sadness. The machine in me roared at you, it threw imaginary lighting bolts at your heaven. I am sorry. I do not hate you, even though sometimes I say terrible things about you. In truth, I love you. You are the force within me.
You know that I never go to church. I smoke, I drink and I am a hedonist. Well, you cannot expect me to behave like a Christian because you are very well aware that I despise Christianity. If I could, and if it could please you, I would burn all these man made temples down because your temple is not in a lonely church. My dear God, your temple is inside our hearts.

Sometimes I can feel you throbbing inside of me. My chest is full of you when the day is beautiful, I can sense your power flowing through my fingers. Your light bursts out of me and it covers the bees and the leaves.
Now, I am an empty shell. You could kill me and send me upstairs, I would not mind. I would greet you in the most graceful way. Tomorrow, you can send me down a cloud and I will join you. Let me watch the world with you. Let me travel through the sky with you, I will be the voyager and you could be the teacher.

I promise, God. I won't plea bargain with you anymore. Because, in the end, every conversation I had with you was a bargain, a fair deal, an agreement. I broke some of my promises to you. You shattered your agreements with me many times. But I am yours and you are mine, and this won't put any obstacles between us.
I know that I am often wrong. I talk to you every day and I curse you all the time. I cannot follow you because I am not a following kind of person. I cannot lead you, because you are the force and I am the tool. Will you then please float beside me, on this ugly and wretched day?
Float beside me, and tell me why you took my only one away from me. There must be a reason, and I will appreciate your answers. You are my friend who is inside of me, eternal and passionate.
I won't plea bargain again, I promise. I wish I could bring back time and tell you something that I was supposed to tell you a few years ago, but I did not.
This is not a prayer, this is our secret. This is mine to carry and yours to bear.

Leave a Reply.