How To Ditch A Date In 3 Steps, BUT In A Rude Way!
Easy To Do (But It Takes Guts!)
Hello there, my fantastic readers. I present yet another "how to" post, only for your pleasure. Now, this one is interesting. Are you fed up with dates "gone bad"? Did you go out with someone just because you promised, and the person turned out to be a complete douche? Are you sick and tired of playing nice, while other dates were rude to you? Are you seeking revenge?
I HAVE THE SOLUTION! As always, my imagination, my "research and experiments" on other people and myself will never die. In every step, I will write a version for men and a version for women, because - obviously, duh - men and women are not the same and they do things differently in certain "capricious" situations. Shall we begin, then? If you are a nice person and if you find most harsh statements offensive, then do not read this.
So, the point is: you want to really irritate your date, and then ditch him/her. Although, if your date was already irritating, then why did you decide to go with that person on a date in the first place? You were not thinking clearly, were you? Well, that's why I'm here, to tell you what to do. You might need some guts to do this, some of these steps are really rude. Finally, let's begin!!!
STEP ONE: The "Body" Sounds
a) For men: Well guys, you will have more fun with this one than the ladies will. So, you're out with your date. You are either in a restaurant, or outside, or in a bar. Before I tell you what to do, this will be harder to pull if you are someplace where it is really loud: night clubs, concerts, gigs... but I have a solution for that too. Like I said, you're out with your date. Start eating something greasy, or start eating beer. All you have to do is EITHER BURP OR FART in front of your date, and then laugh your fucking ass off after you do it. Don't even say sorry, or the whole step will fail. If you are in a loud place, then just burp near the ear of your date. Pretend like you are leaning in on her to tell her something, and then burp your mouth off right into her "fragile" little ear. Trust me, this will work. By the way, if you cannot burp or fart by command, then pretend to burp. Make a noise with your throat that sounds pretty much like burping and vomiting at the same time. Practice at home, just in case. For farts: just eat something that will give you horrible gas just before you go out.
b) For women: Okay girls, this will probably be disgusting for you to pull off. If it is, then you can pass without farting. Just burp. Although, the farting is more effective. All you have to do is fart or burp constantly in front of your date, while he is talking about himself or his "fabulous" car, or whatever else the males like to brag about. Fart your ass off! Burp your mouth off! If you are in a loud place, just burp into his ear as hard as you can! Like I said for the guys, if you cannot fart or burp by command then here is what you have to do. For burps: make a sound with your throat that sounds pretty close to burping. It will be something in between burping and vomiting. Practice at home. For farts: just eat something that will give you horrible gas before you go out and everything will go as planned. Don't be shy, this is crucial. AND DON'T YOU DARE APOLOGIZE TO YOUR DATE! Laugh your ass off when you do this. It will be the most effective in this way. I promise.
STEP TWO: "The Word Turning"
a) For men: Ah, guys... this one will take some guts. If you pull this off, your date may already be irritated... she might slap you in the face or get up and leave you right away. If that happens, then good. You won't have to pull off the last three steps and you're finished! Here's what you do: whatever she says about herself, or whatever questions she asks you about herself, you MUST NOT confirm what she says, but instead deny it. For example:
SHE: "Do you like my dress?"
YOU: "Well, it's not bad... but that color makes you look fatter than you are."
Or, another example:
SHE: "Many of my friends tell me that I am really pleasant."
YOU: "Wow, you call liars your friends? Whoa, they should not lie to you like that."
I hope you get what I mean. If not... sorry.
b) For women: Girls, it will take some guts to pull this one off. Like I said to the guys, if you pull this step off, there is a chance that your date will leave you right away after this (offended, of course) and you won't have to go through the trouble of doing the rest of the three steps. So, whatever your date says about himself, you have to say the contrary. NO compliments!!! And do not confirm anything positive that he says about him. I will give you an example, like I gave it to the guys:
HE: "It took me a year to find the shirt of this band. I really love it."
YOU: "Wow, you actually wasted your time and searched for a shirt for 365 days?! Get a life, dude."
Or, another example:
HE: "My buddies told me I'm too open with girls, but I guess I like to be honest from the start."
Do you get the picture? Yes, I know. It takes courage. But trust me, it is fun to watch the reaction. This is also good if a guy approaches you in a club and you don't know how to get rid of him. But that I will post some other time. :D
STEP 3 (THE GOLDEN ONE!): "Physical Harassment"
For men and women together: The rules are the same for both sexes, except for one thing: guys, be careful with this one. You are stronger that the ladies. Just make fun of them. All you have to do, is either: pour water on her/his head, spill something on her/him ON PURPOSE (like a joke), pinch him/her if he/she does not guess a riddle or tackle him/her. Guys, you AVOID tackling if you are not going to tackle her on something SOFT. Girls, avoid tackling if you do not have the skills to tackle someone. (Like I do... :D)
THE BEST VERSION, HOWEVER, WOULD BE: Ask your date to solve a riddle, or tell your date to tell you a joke. If your date does not solve the riddle, or tell you a joke that will make you laugh, POUR WHATEVER LIQUID IS NEAR YOU ON YOUR DATE'S HEAD OR BODY. But really splash them! Don't hesitate. Then laugh your fucking ass off while you watch their reaction. NOTE: Even if your date tells you a really funny joke, try to sustain from laughter and PRETEND it's not funny.
And that's it! That's all it takes to rudely ditch a date. And a big bag of GUTS... :D But I'm sure you have that. Thank you for reading, and expect a new and "entertaining" post soon!
You have a nice day!