HOW TO SOBER UP IN 5 EASY STEPS!
After years of researching and monitoring, and after years of experimenting on myself and others, I have come up with 5 very easy steps for you to do if you want to sober up quickly. Are you a minor, you got really wasted and you have to come home in half an hour and you don't know what to do? Do you have low tolerance for alcohol, you got very drunk and you are desperate for a solution? Are you a beginner drinker and you need some guidance, but you do not have anybody around you that can help? Read these instructions and I promise you will be alright. Well, unless you are an exception and these steps don't work on you. But trust me, exceptions are rare and I guarantee that at least 3 of these steps will help you, or get you half-sober if they cannot sober you up completely. Let's begin! And another thing: these steps are usually done IN THE FOLLOWING ORDER. However, if you find it ineffective, then try it vice versa or in a custom order.
1) The Liquids
This is what you need: water OR orange juice OR lemon juice OR milk OR yogurt
WHAT TO DO: Now, you have to find at least half a liter of the above liquids. Milk is the best, because lactose helps a lot. The others are fine too, if you are outside and you cannot find milk. Then, you have to drink that amount all at once! I don't care if you will feel sick, the point is it has to come out one way or another! That's how you get rid of at least a part of the alcohol in your system. Drink the half a liter of liquid at once and wait. You will either vomit or take a dump. Whatever happens of these two, DO NOT TRY TO STOP IT. That's the point! Let it all out. Trust me, it will help you. If you do not vomit or take a dump, then force down some more. If then, once again, nothing happens: you are either an exception or your body does not need to let it all out OR you will simply pee a lot. But most people will either shit or vomit if they are really wasted.
2) The Motion
You do not need any requisites to perform this one. Maybe you will need one friend or two friends to help you if you cannot do it by yourself.
WHAT TO DO: Movement helps you burn up alcohol. Any kind of physical activity will help you. You can either: drop down and two 50 push ups at once, you can run or jump around, you can dance really hard (if you are in a night club or somewhere where you can dance) or you can force a friend to either slap you or shake you for 15 minutes without stopping. Whatever you choose, the point is that you should sweat a lot and release the alcohol. If the motion makes you vomit some more, then GOOD! It will be even better. If you are too wasted to move, then force one or two friends to help you, hold you while you are attempting to move or tell them before you get wasted so that they can have that in mind. DO NOT GET INTO FIGHTS. Fighting is also a physical activity and it WILL sober you up, but don't do that! You are trying to help yourself but you don't have to hurt other people in the process. And if you are really wasted, you will be beaten up so don't go into fights. Fights are reserved for pro drinkers only, who are able to control themselves even when they are totally wasted.
3) The Eating Process
You need food for this one. But don't get anything TOO GREASY because then you will cause the effect of food to go vice versa.
WHAT TO DO: Buy or find some food. Pizza, a huge sandwich, meat, bread, spaghetti (pasta in general) are the perfect things for your stomach in a wasted condition. I don't care if you are a vegetarian or vegan. In that case, you will either suck it up for once and eat that motherfucking meat or find something that DOES NOT HAVE SOY IN IT because SOY is not good with alcohol. Avoid the following types of food, they will really cause madness in your stomach: sweets, candy, chocolate, puddings, FISH (especially), mushrooms, JUST AVOID ANYTHING SWEET IN GENERAL! Alcohol contains a lot of sugar and you will only make it worse if you eat something sweet. If you vomit after eating, then eat again. You have to REALLY STUFF YOURSELF. And keep on eating until you stop vomiting. Trust me on this one. I know it sounds too harsh and too ridiculous but it helps.
4) The Bathing Part
You need access to water, a shower, or a bottle of water if you are outside and unable to reach the toilet. WHAT TO DO: If you are at a person's home, then ask the host to let you shower quickly. Explain the situation, I am sure the host will let you. DO NOT SHOWER WITH WARM WATER!!! This will make you feel even worse!!! I am serious! The water does not have to be freezing, but it must be cold. It cannot and MUST NOT be warm, under no circumstances! 5 minutes of showering is enough. If you are in a nightclub or somewhere else, and you do not have access to a shower, then go to the bathroom. In this case you must use FREEZING water. Wet the following parts of your body: your face, your neck and the veins on your arms. If you are afraid that you will wet your clothes, then TOO BAD! You should not have wasted yourself in the first place! That's the price you pay if you want to sober up quickly. Keep wetting these particular parts of your body until you start to feel really better. If you cannot reach a shower or a bathroom, if you are outside - then find a bottle of water and wet the same parts of your body. Keep on wetting them. If you run out of water and you are unable to find more, then tough luck.
5) The Wrench Effect
You need a bottle or can of beer.
WHAT TO DO: Well now you have to REALLY shock your body. This will sound unbelievable and you will probably think: "How is this gonna help me?! Isn't this gonna make me feel worse?" Well, I promise you, it will help. YOU HAVE TO DRINK THAT BEER at once. Down the drain with it! This is called the wrench effect and it will literally restart your system and make you kind of hyperactive, but in a positive way. This is an inevitable and crucial part for your sobering. It WILL help. If you vomit after this (although I think that, by the time you reach this step, you will not have anything left in your stomach to vomit out) then even better!
After you have completed these steps, you should be sober - or at least half-way to sober. If you are halfway to sober, then repeat these steps until you sober up. If this does not work on you, then you are the godforsaken exception (like me). I will soon post Sobering Methods for people who are exceptions. I am still missing a part of my research (and I am going to research tonight too) so I cannot complete it before I find some more facts. Thank you for reading TOILET MOUTH.If you have any comments, suggestions, questions or anything of the sort, please leave a comment, follow me or send me an email on: firstname.lastname@example.org